Recently, I sent out a survey to find out what is of most interest to you, my readers and clients. A number said they were interested in how you move on from your relationship. It is a topic dear to my heart as I spent years trying to heal.
It is so hard:
- When you know it is time to let go because there is great safety and familiarity even when you know that relationship is no longer serving you.
- To be alone (at the beginning).
- To experience the feelings of loneliness.
- When your days and nights were designed around that person for so long.
Oh, yeah, and what about the money worries for so many women?
Once you KNOW, and you know way before you take any action. You know the relationship has lost its zest, its purpose, the commitment, the love and joy. You know there is more pain, struggle, darkness and often are just afraid to make the break. Afraid of the unknown, feeling worthless that you couldn’t keep your relationship together, feeling like a failure, feeling like life is over or afraid of what others will say about you. STOP. That’s all your self-talk, it’s not the truth about who you are. Find the next better feeling step for you like connecting with someone you know that has made it to the other side or hugging your kids. Take some action. Begin letting go. See yourself doing it. Feel the next step out the door or telling them to leave on a given date.
Or if you are the one that was left, honor all you feel, the betrayal, the loss, the loneliness, the changes to no longer having a partner. It hurts, it’s painful even if the relationship was abusive.
A key is not to stay in the story or drama of what you are telling about that relationship for too long. You can’t change what has happened. It served you for a time, a reason or a season.
What I know and why I love helping is that you don’t have to stay in that darkness or hurt for as long as I did. You must go through the grieving process but know there is hope, there is love and you can be loved again (if you choose). It can be the glimmer of light or hope you need to move you forward.
If you can hear anywhere in your being, there is something more, that in the bigger message of your life, there is something greater calling you. I stayed stuck looking at the past and “what if” for way longer than it served me. I spent so much time in shame and guilt. Those feelings keep you stuck. They do not help you or anyone around you.
I did a telesummit on Living Free from the Pain of Divorce to help people see what life can be on the other side of divorce. You can get the audio recordings on my website, dottiehager.com and listen to the different speakers. Most of the speakers talk about how their painful divorce pushed them to something greater in their life. As Debbie Ford says, turn the darkness into gold. I wanted that summit to be a support for people, a light to see that life has more to offer even though at the time it might not seem like it.
I ask you to believe in yourself, believe you CAN have the relationship you desire. Yes, it can take time to heal and can take time to even want to think about a relationship again but it IS possible to create something greater. You deserve to have the love you desire.
First, trust and honor all you feel. This is your life. Find support to love you, lift you up, listen to you, and help you move through the pain, the losses, the anger and resentments, and all the craziness that happens. Girlfriends are the best. Coaches, therapist, clergy, support groups can help you make any move you need and work through to the next phase of your life. They are there for you, if you ask. Surround yourself with what you need.
And, years and years later when:
- you have done the healing work
- know who you are
- know what’s most important to you,
- know what you value in a relationship,
Then you are ready to open up to new possibilities and can work on creating the relationship you love for the next chapter of your life.